Here’s the REAL, COMPLETE speech I made for running for senate. Mr. Mast, and some of my classmates, didn’t let me finish. Believe it or not, it does get better. Read the real version, and take thought.
When trying to find the right words to say in today’s speech, I realized no matter what I said, I couldn’t do better than what I said last year. Sorry guys. But this year’s speech will start off just where I left off with last year. Last year, I said based on my was-12-page, now-14-page, “book” that I wrote about popular cliquism, that the elections were just a giant popularity contest, which one votes on their friends or the more popular. So, therefore, I could win two ways: either by winning the election and getting into senate, or I would “win” by losing the election, giving the closure that I was right. Either way I won.
Few days later the results of the election were posted. I was surprised when I saw I did win the election. But when I went down the list to see who else won, I was even more stunned by my winning. With the exception of me, everyone else who won I predicted based on my book! Man, did I feel good! Almost felt unbeatable. But then, one by one, I had people come up to me, chuckling and saying, “Good speech. It was funny.” At that point I realized something…you all missed the point.
But to avoid generalizations, let me be clear that not everyone missed the point. I did hear that some people did recognize what I was saying, and I did get criticism from that. A few months ago, I found out I was the Top 16 percentile in my class. I am most likely guessing those who caught on were the 15 ahead of me. I congratulate you, for getting what I was saying. Heck, I congratulate you for being offended. If you weren’t, you did miss the point, and you maybe should have.
Some of you may call it “offensive”, but I see it more as a satire. It pointed out in a somewhat humorous and sarcastic way the students’ concern for lunch over important matters, and how far some of the candidates will beg and fluff up the electors to get into these positions. Then I continued to say how you guys only choose voting on either friends or the popular, pretty much insulting you by calling you narrow-minded. Surely one wouldn’t win with and campaign like that!
Yet I did. How so? The few days after I won, I took into deep consideration. I rubbed my chin in wonder. Then it hit me. What I was rubbing was facial hair. Facial hair had won me my election (in a way). I grew in a mustache so I quote Napoleon Dynamite and say, “I’m like the only kid in the grade with a mustache” and “I can make your wildest dreams come true.” I realized what I did was I sucked up to the popular kids by using quotes from their favorite movie to win them over. A bit hypocritical, and I aimed never to do it again. That’s why I shaved, to not be remembered by that. So really, that’s how I won. I added enough humor to cover up for the insults I gave earlier. Like a good politician, I was able to manipulate my class into voting for me, and trust me, it wasn’t hard at all. You were like puppets, I pulled your strings, and you danced. DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!
So I do encourage all of you to take seriously what your classmate candidates are trying to say and do. Think outside the box of the present and consider how who you are electing is going to effect your life, especially the school happenings in your senior year. Heck, the class president…(excuse me, they now want to be called (Executive Officers, so he’d be the President of the Senior Executive Officers)…is going to be President of Class of 2007 for life, so be wise on who you choose.
And just like last year, I will finally conclude on why I would be a good candidate for Campus Senate, so you can vote for me based on my campaign. Today I’m not just running for election, but technically a re-election. Last year I was on senate, thanks to you. To the best of my ability, I stuck to my campaign of promoting “equal cliquism” in my book, by making my decisions to favorite everyone in our class, not just a certain clique. I attempted to find a better way of having senate distributing candy canes and carnations during the holidays, because nothing shows the love of the holidays when you see your neighbor getting 13, but you’re only getting 1. Due to some complications, I was not successful, but I plan to pursue it again next year. I was in charge in hosting the school’s first Mix It Up at Lunch Day to enable a chance for us to get to know the classmates among us who we don’t usually get to know. I think it went well and I am aiming to do it again next year, perhaps mixing the whole school up. I gladly signed up for Spiritual Life sub-committee, though it was slow to get volunteers. While it seemed like the only thing we really did was See You at the Pillars, we have just gotten brand new ideas, a lot on showing appreciation to ALL Dock students, and I’m ready for next year to get started. And next year, I will continue my pursuit for equality in popularity for everyone in the class, and in the whole school. I believe Christ called us not to separate by cliques, but to unite us all equally as brothers and sisters in Christ. Christ’s lament for Jerusalem in Luke could be applied to Dock; “Christopher Dock, oh Christopher Dock…how I have longed to gather you together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”
I once again encourage you to think through who you are voting for, not because they are your friends or popular, but because they will help this school be beneficial for everyone. The voting choice is up to you, but being men and women of God, I believe through your vote God will decide whether He wants me in senate or not. For Romans 13:1 tells us that God will put into senate who he will put in senate. So remember your vote isn’t being wasted, God is working through you, even in voting. And I ask of you not find my speech as entertainment, but as a different view of this school and a message of reform for the clique system. It may seem different, or “out of whack” to you, but it could be a possible new insight. With that, I leave you with one last quote from Jesus: “a prophet is never accepted in his home town.”I’m Graham Holcomb, and I approve of this message.
Any thoughts, comments, questions or doubts, email me graham68@dejazzd.com, or comment me at the blog I can reach without using the library’s computer:
http://quizzerextrodinaire.blogspot.com
The Contextual Literalist 